Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

"He got to sit in the front last time," Nathaniel said, shoving Graham out of the way.

As the two of them were busy pushing and pulling for their right to ride shotgun, Madison slipped through to claim her spot in the front seat.

"Mom!!" they complained through closed windows. "She always sits there!"

And so it went day after day until I started them on a rotation.

Now the argument is about the order of the rotation. Nathaniel always insists that we have it wrong, Madison says that she's right, and frankly I'm never concerned enough to keep an accurate count.

Whether we're talking about car seats, cookies, or who took the last cracker, they're consumed with keeping track lest they find themselves with one crumb less than their siblings.

One day I sat them down for a talk. It was time to learn a lessen in humility.

"The Bible tells us that the first shall be last," I said. "So if you always insist on being the first here on earth, you won't be the first up in heaven."

Well, guess what happened the next day? We couldn't get the kids out of the van. They took this principle a little too far when each of them insisted on being the last kid out.

Sounds petty doesn't it? But you know what? There's rarely a day when I don't see adults acting much the same way.

Take this for example... if I write an article on wives joyfully serving our families you can bet that someone will leave a reminder in the comments that this must go both ways. On the flip side, if I mention the important role of a husband, I'll get the same thing.

I can't help but feel that we're placing love on a scale. We're more concerned that it might tip one way or the other than we are about loving in the best way we know how.

Jesus tipped the scales big time. While we were yet sinners--lying, stealing, cheating, self-centered sinners--He gave up His life. He took the weight of our sin upon Himself and died in the most horrific way that we might have life.

Love gives up it's right to be right and steps down so that others can shine. It is not self-seeking.

So what does this look like in the heat of an argument? I'm not saying that you shouldn't communicate your frustrations with your husband. By all means do! What I am saying is that real love gives and keeps giving without expecting a return on the investment.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ~ 1 Corinthians 15:5, NIV

When you really think about what those words mean--keeps no record of wrongs--we see that this attitude closes the door on resentment.

If I were to pin point the one thing that led me to almost destroying my marriage it would be that I was keeping a record of wrongs. And the very thing that transformed my marriage to the place it is now it would be that Michael didn't keep a record of wrongs. While I was at my very worst he gave me his best.

For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.~ Romans 5:7-8

You are loved by an almighty God,



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Day 1 - Bringing a Gift of Love

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The woman who makes a sweet, beautiful home,

filling it with love and prayer and purity,

is doing something better than anything else

her hands could find to do beneath the skies.

― J.R. Miller

While my son is getting some work done to his apartment, he asked if we could watch his bird Abby for a few days. Without hesitation I said yes. I absolutely love this little little Green Cheek Conure and she loves me. One of my favorite things that she does is run up my arm and kiss my cheek. She even does the little kissy noise that goes with it. And when she's not on my arm, she's often saying, "Give me a kiss," from her cage. How cute is that?!

What's not so cute is that Conures have a tendency to bite. She loves to nest in my hair, but the minute she gets a little agitated, she bites the back of my neck, and let me tell you, it hurts!

Because of her tendency to bite, Brendan is the only other person in our family who will hold her. The kids would sooner run from the room screaming than take the chance of getting nipped.

Looking at Abby the other day I was reminded of myself. Hormones have a funny way of bringing out the Jekyll and Hyde in a woman every twenty eight days or so. I could be saying, "Give me a kiss," to my husband one minute and chewing his head off the next. But month after month--year after year, he has loved me through the good times and the bad.

Whether I was nestled up against his cheek or flying out the door, he has patiently stood by me year after year.

While I'm praising God for that gift of love I seek to offer my own. Not just for the sake of my husband, but ultimately for the sake of my Lord. Therefore my love must be based on the wisdom of God's Word, rather than my own passion, desires, or wants.

For the next 31 days I'm hosting 31 Days of Love. Twenty-seven different women (including me) will be here to offer you encouragement and a biblical perspective on marriage. Each daily challenge is designed to encourage you to love the way that God intended according to His wisdom as outlined in scripture.

Are you ready for a challenge? Great--let's go!

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure;

then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy

and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

~ James 3:17, NIV

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

Today's Challenge: Read 1 Corinthians 13 (the love chapter) and jot down some of the thoughts that come to mind such as: What is God's definition of love? What are the characteristics of love? In what areas of "loving" do I stumble the most? What are a few of the steps I can take toward change?

Today's Challenger: Darlene is an ordinary mom, living an extraordinary life, because of who she is through Jesus Christ. As help-meet to her husband Michael, she guides and nurtures their four children, leading them toward a deeper walk of faith. She is a New York Times best-selling author through the book she co-authored with actress Candace Cameron Bure titled, Reshaping it All: Motivation for Physical and Spiritual Fitness. Her writing has also been published in Thomas Nelson’s anthology, Grace Givers, Tyndale Publisher’s Soul Food/Life Savors for Women, A Cup of Comfort (Adam’s Media), and she has published articles through many magazines. She is your host through "31 Days to Love" and blogs here at Time-Warp Wife.

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The Power of Unfailing Love

I received a letter from a reader today that's incredibly inspiring. It illustrates the beauty of humility and grace, and the power of unfailing love...

Dear Darlene,

Just a quick note to tell you how much I got from your recent post on unity in marriage.

I loved how you described the actual meaning of argument - the need to shine. What a wonderful perspective and how true.

I was just talking about humility and grace in marriage with my dad. He drives me to work sometimes, if he has to visit a job in the downtown area where I work, and we have great conversations. He and my mother were separated for 4 years - they got back together almost two years ago. My mom was the one that left and he just waited patiently, hoping and praying that she would return to him. She did. He forgave her. They worked through their issues. My dad, during their separation, never said a word against my mother, even though, in most people's eyes, she would have deserved it.

My brothers and I went to dinner with him one night and asked him if he thought about dating. His best friend wanted to introduce him to a nice single woman from his church, and my brothers and I thought it might be nice for my dad to get out. My brother said, "Dad, it's been years. Mom moved out. She's not coming back. It's time."

I'll never forget his reaction. He looked up and studied all three of us calmly.

"Kids, I'm married. My wife is your mother. That's it."

He said he'd promised God and he had no intention of breaking that promise no matter what my mom's behavior was. He said she'd have to physically bring him a pen and leave him no choice but to sign divorce papers if that was what she wanted, but he didn't want that and he wouldn't help to move it along in any way.

No one thought she'd come back, and no one thought he'd be able to forgive her if she did. But she came back. They worked on their relationship for a year before they told us. They'd never officially divorced. My dad said he prayed every day that God would do a miracle and he had every reason to expect that he'd grant that request. He said he'd do the best he could until the miracle happened.

He told me during our conversation a few days ago that he loved her more now than before. She has said the same thing to me. It gives me such joy, because it is truly an example of how waiting through the pain is WORTH IT.

To a lesser degree, I've had to wait through some tough times in my own marriage. If I would have left, I would have missed the deeper level of love waiting for me. I get to come home every day to a man I love so much it makes my heart almost hurt. The muscle is stretched from love. I really think that God makes it that way for us - strengthens our love muscles so that they don't atrophy, ever. They're made to stay strong for each other forever, if we wait past the pain of growth that comes sometimes.

My parents are now telling their story, which I think is brave of my mom. It's so important to share our stories, so we can carry each other's burdens, and know we aren't alone.

Sincerely,

Proud of My Parents



Pure love is a rising of the sun upon a soul.
Its warmth is never ceasing, its beauty never dying,
its cycle--a never ending ring of hope.
With the dawn of each new day, love remains.
~Time-Warp Wife




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10 Ways to Love Your Husband

After living with a man for 5, 10, or 25 years you get used to each other’s habits. You might also get used to hearing the words, "I love you." They are three of the most beautiful words in the English language, but even more beautiful than that is our language of love.

Words have their place in a relationship, but living out those words can move a relationship from dull to dynamic, when we truly seek to give our husbands love from the heart.

I challenge you to love your husband this week. Go an extra mile to show him you care; whisper words of sweet nothing in the small things you do.

With possibilities that are endless, I offer you ten ways to love your husband:

click to view larger image

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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His Amazing Love Language

Valentine's Day is not for saying "I love you."
It's for saying, "I love us."
~ Hallmark


Yesterday my husband surprised me with an arrangement of flowers (Gerber Daisies, my favorite!) But the truth is that Michael isn't really the flowery type. In fact I'd probably be able to count on one hand the number of times he's brought me flowers since we've been married. That's just not his way of saying I love you.

Michael definitely has a knack for showing affection, don't get me wrong. But he's more likely to bring home a bouquet of iPhones than a bouquet of roses--that's just his way.

There isn't a day that goes by where he doesn't show me and tell me how much he cares in a number of ways. It might be the way that he holds me close when we kiss by the sink, it might be in the love offering of ice cream with rich chocolate sauce, or it might be found in the quiet moment he takes out of his day to have "us" time--every word and action speaks his language of love.

So with that, I've decided to make a list of some of the ways he's whispered "I love you" this past week:

1. He brought me ice cream with caramel and chocolate sauce.
2. He dealt with a problem at school so that I didn't have to.
3. He made the children lunches on the morning that I was exhausted.
4. He played a game of Settlers with the kids so I could have time for my Ruth Bible Study.
5. He worked late on Wednesday night to provide for our family.
6. He called me just to say hello.
7. He bought me a dark chocolate bar with nuts on his way home.
8. He sat through an episode of Joy Behar so I could watch Candace Cameron Bure. (huge sacrifice for him--LOL!)
9. He took time out of his busy day to read my blog and encourage me.
10. He went to my parents house with me and, as always, embraces my family as his own.

Have a wonderful week, a wonderful Valentine's Day, and celebrate the love that you have!

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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I Choose to Serve

Dear Darlene,

Thank you so much for your post [Love and Let Go] today. The Lord has used you in a tremendous way to speak to my heart. I am currently going through some difficult times with my husband. Your words have reminded me that I am to inspire not to control.

Today, I exercise my freedom to choose. I will choose to love and let go rather than push and shove. I choose to let his choice be his choice. I choose to serve.

Thank you again for blessing me today!

Growing in grace,

"Choosing to Serve"

P.S. I have printed out a copy of that article and am going to hang it in my closet as a daily reminder!



Dear Choosing to Serve,

Thank you so much for your letter. I appreciate your encouragement and cherish your fellowship.

There was so much to say on this topic. While I didn't want to run on with my words in that blog post, it really got me thinking about particular circumstances in my relationship where I've had to put my choices aside to respect his.

For example, every time we leave the mall (and we live five minutes away) my husband drives in the opposite direction and takes the long road home. It drives me crazy, and I have such a hard time biting my tongue because I just want to get home.

He has a friend who smells really bad and most would consider “different.” I mean this guy stands at the bus stop and yells, "Your gall-darn mother!" into thin air--repeatedly. If he comes over I can smell him the minute I open the front door, even if he's at the other end of the house, but my husband loves him. He grew up with him, and this guy is like an uncle to him. We've bought him some things, like a TV and a bicycle to help him out but he always lands up giving these things away to his barber.

Another thing my husband has done in the past (but he's respectfully improved) was eat cold cereal for dinner on days when I've cooked an awesome chicken dinner, made spaghetti, or meatloaf. He would say, "Would you mind if I just had cereal?"

I'd say I don't mind, and then I'd pout and give him the silent treatment, assuming that men "get" what the silent treatment means. Most of the time they don't. Girlfriends do of course because we're mind readers, but that's a whole other story. LOL!

I've had to come to accept his idiosyncrasies including his choice of friends, how much time he spends in the bathroom, what route he likes to take home, and the fact that he falls asleep during 90% of the movies we watch. And the truth is I've also come to see the beauty behind many of his choices.

The only real way we can live in harmony is by realizing that while we are one in unity, we are separate human beings with a separate set of emotions, reactions, and passions. We were raised by different parents, teased by different children, and influenced by different mentors over the course of our lives.

The choices he makes result in the consequences he deals with. I'm created to be his helper, which means that I also want to be his cheerleader, not his instructor, his mother, his coach or his teacher. I’m his wife.

I’m blessed to see women like you who are willing to joyfully serve, even if that means biting your tongue once in a while or letting his choices override yours.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

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darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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How to Really Write a Love Letter

I'm entirely blessed to introduce my guest writer to you today: Ann Voskamp, the author of One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are (Zondervan), blogger at A Holy Experience, and cherished friend. I met Ann online about five years ago, but hadn't have the privilege of meeting her in person until a few years later. While Ann and I shared a bedroom way down in Seattle Washington--she on the floor, me on the comfortable bed (Ann insisted upon it)--there was no doubt that God was present in that room. Every night Ann would pull out her tattered Bible, turn the worn out pages and soak in the scriptures until they were woven as one with her soul. I won't soon forget the holy experience we shared during those nights together.

Ann's a farmer's wife, mama to 6 kids, & author of One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are (Zondervan). Everyday, she takes the wild dare. Right in the midst of her own and gritty grace-filled life. Everyday in the fringe hours, early and late, she blogs about the mess and the grace and the everyday wonder at A Holy Experience.

How to Really Write a Love Letter

When I opened the first letter you ever sent me, I was fifteen and the snow was chest high in that village up in the Quebec mountains where I tried to learn how to ski and speak French and make poutine, all of which I only mangled.

I tore open into your envelope right there at the post office.

I read your lines five times walking the snow piled streets back to the school, my mouth agape, a door swinging wide open in surprise, the bitter blue February burning my lungs.

You had sent me words.

Over twenty years I have kept your shy lines, the years I have kept your sons and your daughters, the years you have kept me.

You don’t write me letters any more, except for notes left on the counter that you are working the dirt down at Mama’s farms or you need me to pick up a bottle of oxytocin at the vet’s.

You feed sows and you plant seeds and you pour cement floors out in the shop on a Thursday and you leave the power trowel to fly in here right when we should already be driving out the lane and you bath up for Shakespeare in Stratford and I howl at you all the way there that we’re going to be late and I wish I’d grow up and shut up but I can’t and you quietly put up. And you never raise your voice and I keep pulling at my neck all nerves, that our “As You Like It” is not going to be as I love it if we are too late and they’ve closed the doors and I say a lot of words and I write a lot of words and we arrive 10 minutes early at the theater and you never say a word. You don’t even like Shakespeare. But you do it for Love.

You spend the whole of your life speaking these silent words with a gravity that keep me in right orbit and your life warms me to life and a Living God.

Today’s the day the typewriter was patented in 1868 and I have pounded out a lot of keys and I have read a lot of typeset and I thank Christopher Sholes of Milwaukee because I have always loved words. You’ve written little and you’ve never bought a book in the whole of your life, but you are the man who gave me the love of The Word and there isn’t enough ink in this world for me to express thanks and I will always love you.

You walk our land and you pull our weeds and you lead our children and your life writes The Word with your blood and your brawn and your bent knee and the best love letters are the ones simply breathed and lived and laid down with a life.

You never stop writing yours.

Tonight’s Midsummer Night’s Eve, known too as St. John’s Eve, that patron saint of beekeepers and this month’s moon is known as the honey-moon and why has ours lasted so many moons? Did you know that Shakespeare’s set his Midsummer Night’s Dream, that play of wandering lovers, on this night and maids used to pick flowers and tuck them under their pillows on this night in hopes of dreams about someday-lovers and I’ve never done that because you are the one who picked me flowers just yesterday and made the dreams I didn’t know I had come true and in that play, Shakespeare wrote, “The course of true love never did run smooth.” Ours hasn’t.

The river has run wild and it has turned and it has twisted but you have held me tight and you have kept me close and you have called it an adventure that is worth the running of the rapids. You have made me brave.

I know you might not believe me but Shakespeare would have liked you. He wrote of you in Act III, Scene II of King Henry the Fifth and you have lived these words and made me know them to be true and I’d now never doubt, that “Men of few words are the best men.”

This is the way you woo me, with a love letter that has a strong back and big thick hands that work the long hours and find mine in the night and and has a heart that keeps its promises and holds its tongue and would die for me and the children we have made and what is there left to say? You use no paper and you write volumes and still waters run deepest.

Love needs few words. It only needs will.

The words that matter most are the ones that we live and you teach me how to write a love letter.

I lay down my pen.

I long to send you words.

© 2010 Ann Voskamp

If you have questions or comments about this post, please visit Ann's website at A Holy Experience.

I know you'll be blessed if you do!

And to order Ann's book, One Thousand Gifts, click on the image to the right to visit Amazon.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Men Are From Mars

Darlene,

I just stumbled across your blog. I am in the middle of [your book] “Reshaping It All,” and I just had a question about a life situation right now.

My husband recently lost his job. He is in the Political field and things in our area took a down turn after this last election.

I am a teacher, and this is my first year back to work after being a stay-at-home mom for two years.

My husband is job hunting but also has his resume out at so many places that he's sort of in a "waiting" stage.

He is home each day, and instead of catching up on laundry, taking care of house repairs, or cleaning out the garage, he is choosing to sit in front of the TV or computer.

I feel myself getting angry and upset at all the things he COULD be doing, and I feel bad about it. I don't know how to act. I'll admit I've made a few snide comments about it, and I want to stop. I want to respond in a respectful way--the way I'm supposed to respond.

Any thoughts? Thanks so much for your help.

Jessica



Jessica,

Thanks for your letter. Glad to hear that you're reading "Reshaping it All!" I hope you like it.

I'm not a psychologist or a trained counselor, so any thoughts that I offer you are only based on my understanding of men from living with four of them!

You mentioned that your husband lost his job and that things took a down turn after the election. I don't know the character of your husband, but in most cases, the loss of a job alone is enough to drain one's emotion. Men were designed to provide for their families and have done so since the beginning of time. That puts a lot of pressure on a man.


Anyone who does not provide for their relatives,
and especially for their own household,
has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
~ 1 Timothy 5:8, NIV


I'm not saying that applies to your husband, I'm merely using the verse to illustrate the burden that rests on the shoulders of men.

For many men, losing the ability to provide or facing the loss of a career that they have come to love, is devastating.

When women are upset they typically talk it out. I phone my girlfriend and we analyze every word, every possible scenario, and every emotion I'm feeling until we're talked out. Men react differently. In "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" doctor John Gray tells us that men don't typically talk out their problems, they retreat to their cave and they think.

Here's a quote from page 27:

"When he can't find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain."

My guess is that the mountain of laundry sitting next to your washer isn't the mountain that he's looking to climb. Bottom line is that he might be emotionally drained and relaxing in front of the TV or computer is his way of spending time in the cave.

I would suggest supporting him emotionally the best way you know how. Certainly suggest things that he could do to help you out when you're at work, but at the same time offer him the emotional support that he needs. If he doesn't tend to the work while you're gone, call him to your side when you're at home and ask him to lend a hand.

I agree that the snide comments should stop, because instead of helping they might create a fight or flight mentality. Let's avoid that for the sake of your marriage.


A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
~ Proverbs 15:1, NIV


When approaching him, apply these virtues:

1. Love - Be patient and kind--not rude. Don't demand your own way or get angry when the plan doesn't go your way.
   
   
2. Support - Be there to listen and encourage him with your actions and words. Remind him that you will get through this together.
   
   
3. Respect - Show him that you value and admire the things he has done and the things he is doing. Look for ways to encourage him.

I hope that helps! And I’ll be praying for the both of you tonight.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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The "X" List

My bedroom was a typical 17-year-old’s room: a single bed, vanity dresser, enough make-up to stock a large drugstore, and “Africa” skipping on an old 45. I had my own telephone line, a black and white television, and a full-length mirror that Dad hung on the back of my door to free up some bathroom time for him and my mom.

Scotch taped next to the mirror was a piece of stationery with the words, “Ten Things I Want in A Husband” printed across the top:

1. Christian
2. 5’10” – 6’0”
3. Likes music and singing
4. Blonde or light brown hair
5. Born in 1960-1965
6. Blue eyes
7. Likes the Bible
8. Likes kids
9. Assertive
10. Good sense of humor

As you can see, my list was quite specific, and I prayed over it seven days a week (probably twice on Sundays).

Not included on the list of “Hopes and Dreams” were expectations. The expectation list existed, but I kept it in an entirely different place. It was written on the inside of my heart. The "X List" I’ll call it was compiled by assumptions I had collected over time. Contributing sources to this list had stepped in and out of my life over the years, but each one had left their impression:

• Boys that broke my heart
• Television heart throbs
• My father
• Rock stars with their soothing lyrics
• Athletes
• Comedians
• Friends
• Magazine photos
• Romance novels
• Chick flicks

My ideal man was a work of art sculpted by the mind of a die-hard romantic, and designed by the unrealistic desires I held. My future husband had a lot to live up to.

God gifts men in a number of ways: intelligence, strength, talent, skill, wisdom, courage, sensitivity, humor, financial success, and the list goes on… Men might have one or several of these gifts, but I have yet to meet a man who possesses them all. God didn't create perfect human beings--you, me, our husband's... we're all sinners saved by grace. Every one of us comes complete with flaws that we struggle to overcome.


For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,)
dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present
with me; but how to perform that which is
good I find not.
~ Romans 7:18, KJV


And then there are fruit of the spirit, which are evident in those who walk with the Lord:


But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,
forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self-control. Against such things
there is no law.
~ Galatians 5:22-23, NIV


And yet there isn’t a man alive who lives in the fullness of that Spirit every moment of every day. And there won’t be until we are finished our earthly battle with the flesh. One may for a season or two, but unlike Christ he will eventually fall and disappoint someone in the flesh.

So here we have our expectations of a man in one hand and our husband in the other, who we’ve come to realize isn’t all that we expected. You wanted fun on Friday nights, not sluggish on Saturdays. You wanted courageous, not weak. And you wanted a man who’d walk through the door with a dozen roses after work, but instead you get a dozen reasons why he’s too tired to take you out.

The problem here isn’t our husband, it’s that the level of expectation we hold is outshining his character. When we measure him up against the weight of expectation, we are left with an unbalanced scale.

When we first moved into this house our walls were white. Every room, every wall, and every door was egg shell white. Before long the boys had scuffed up the front entrance, and there were a few hand prints that wanted to stay. The rest of the place looked great, if not for the boot marks that made the entrance look dirty.

I remembered the painters had left a can of white paint in the laundry room, so I decided to give it a quick touch up, but once the paint dried I had an entirely different problem—I now had “white” scuffs on my walls. It looked like I washed a portion of the wall while the rest of the room was dirty. Not good.

Lives are much the same way. They can be the most beautiful shade of white until we compare it with the vibrant white of the "X list." People have scuffs, and people have scratches; that’s the beauty of who they are. Take a look at furniture these days and you’ll see all of the work that goes into making the cupboards, the tables, and chairs look used. There's beauty to be found in character flaws.

Do we excuse his sin? No. I’m not asking you to do that, but I am asking you to look past the human frailty of a man to seek his beauty by removing the weight of expectation we hold. That's how we balance the scale!

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

A Greater Love

There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of the work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in - that we do it to God, to Christ, and that's why we try to do it as beautifully as possible.
~ Mother Teresa
I encourage women to change themselves rather than attempting to change their husbands. On the flip side, it's only fair that our husbands change and meet us halfway, isn’t it?

Of course it is, but I'm not talking about “fairness” here, I'm talking about a love that reflects the goodness of God. Could there be any greater love?


But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
~ Romans 5:8, NIV


When a husband doesn’t feel a certain level of love and respect from his family, he may seek out other ways to find it. He may absorb himself in his work thinking that success equals respect, get involved in sports to gain the respect of his peers, or find that respect in another woman who sees him the way he desires to be seen.

When a wife stops fulfilling her husband’s need for respect, the void creates a vacuum that must--and will--be filled by other things. This is why it's so important that our attitude is one of adoration, and that our attitude stays in check.

We can start showing respect by accepting without expecting. Pressure does little more than create resentment and rebellion, while reverence and a good attitude create an atmosphere of trust.

I had a friend once with beautiful children who were a joy to watch. Even the baby was a cheerful little fellow who was content to coo and caw while I puttered around the house. I enjoyed babysitting those kids until I started to feel that my friend was pressuring me anytime I busy and had to say no.

When I sensed the pressure, I declined to test my boundaries, and sure enough the pressure built up. The more evident her pressure became, the more resentful I was, and so I started to decline all the more often. It’s not like I set out to keep score, it was more of a subconscious reaction to the fact that I was feeling unappreciated. Instead of communicating my thoughts, I rebelled with my actions until we both stepped back from the friendship.

That’s the affect that pressure often has. We either live in a constant state of guilt, we give in reluctantly, or we step back. While pressure doesn’t get us anywhere in changing a person, a good example and friendly encouragement goes a long way.

When approaching our husbands we can look to the Biblical example of Esther, a woman who used wisdom and reference when she came to the king with her burden. In Esther chapter five we see that when Esther entered the king's court she didn't burden him with her petition. She showed respect without expectation, and in doing so received her husband's respect in return.

True love is giving without expecting return. It doesn’t keep track of wrong doings. It doesn’t expect perfection, and allows room for fault. It plants gardens where brick walls have once stood. True love is painful and pleasant, while perfect in every way. It’s grace in action.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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The Lord is Near

Dear Darlene,

I have wanted to leave you a comment many times, but have simply been too lazy to send you an e-mail. Today I decided it was high time to thank you. Your blog is such a powerful ministry, and I love the way you gently teach biblical principles about marriage and family to encourage us along the way.

I've been married for almost seven years and my hubby has been struggling with TMJ horribly since right before the birth of our daughter in March of this year. It has taken a big toll on our family, marriage, and on his quality of life. He acts depressed and feels hopeless because he doesn't know what to do about the pain and frustration. We can chug along really well in spite of this, and we truly have a great Godly foundation between us, but we have grown distant without even realizing it and that is what we have been working on over the past couple of months.

I told my hubby that I didn't get married to have a crummy marriage and a miserable life. I got married because God desires to make this an amazing union blessed touched by His hand. I want God's best for us, but we are standing in the way of that by building walls. God is doing a great work in us--slowly, and we are just trying to be patient.

Last night we had a tough, but great talk about our situation, and this morning my hubby gave me a huge hug and told me how much I mean to him, which I haven't gotten in a long time let me tell you! He has been working long hours on his job till nine o’clock every night, which leaves him no time to help or be with us as a family. That is a big reason why I have been feeling frustrated and even bitter at times. I've been working on getting my things done early so when he is off I can give him attention and talk with him.

In just a few days I've noticed him perk up and he has been lending a little hand when he can. He just changed the baby's diaper without being asked and he did it with a smile on His face. What a treat when God allows us the honor of seeing the fruits of our service so promptly! Haha :) God is amazing!

Then I read your blog and felt only that much more encouraged this morning to keep fighting the good fight.

I am not called to be a loving, Godly wife simply when it benefits me. No, quite the contrary, I am called to be that woman when times are hard; to hold us together and to keep us soft before the Lord. Thank you for the reminders and for the scripture to steady us. Onward we press!

Blessings friend,

Casey



Dear Casey,

I love your letter. It's so encouraging to know that while I'm writing to please the Lord, I'm encouraging the hearts of readers like you.

I don't doubt that "chugging along" describes the state of many marriages, including my own, when I'm not putting an effort into our relationship.

A good marriage takes work, just like being fit does. We can't expect to wake up and be in great shape unless we're feeding our body nutritious food, getting enough sleep and doing some form of exercise. In the same way, we can strengthen our marriage by nurturing our relationship and exercising patience.

Among other things, love is patient, gentle and long suffering. When we truly love our husbands the way that God designed us to love, we strengthen that bond.

Lay your burdens at the foot of His throne.

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
~ Philippians 4:5-7

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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Finally Getting It

Dear Darlene,

I just started reading your blog, Time-Warp Wife, a few weeks ago, and I absolutely love it. I applaud you for a statement of faith that shouts biblical truth rather than one that is sensitive to the voice of the world.

I wanted to write you to tell you how things are changing in my life, or better said how I’m changing. I’m a mom to three kids, and we’ve been married for 8 years. My husband and I have a great relationship for the most part. We’re both Christian and we really don’t fight all that often, BUT in the last couple of years I felt like something has changed. Maybe it’s because we’re in the trenches of parenting, or maybe it’s because we’ve gotten used to each other, I’m not sure. But I do sense that something is lost, and that makes me sad. I know that marriage won’t be as it was when we were [first] married because we have responsibilities, but I was really longing to bring something back.

I’ll get to my point… a few weeks ago I came across an article that you posted on another blog, “Regaining Sight of His Character.” Actually I think that’s how I landed here in the first place. Something you said stood out to me:

You said that it can be difficult at times to think highly of our husbands when “we’re frustrated that our man isn’t quite the prince charming we met years back in Wonderland. Bottom line is that in most cases, he hasn’t changed--our perception of him has.”

So I started to wonder if maybe it was ME that was changing, and thought I’d try out a few of the ideas you shared. I didn’t go overboard, but I started to notice the little things he was doing, and biting my lip rather than nitpicking so often. Truth be told, I was nitpicking a little more than I realized!

So, it’s been about a week and a half now, and I’ve already noticed a change—in both of us. We had a great week, and an awesome weekend!

And then I read this scripture in Matthew chapter 7:3-5 today, and thought it went along with the message so well:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.” (NIV)

I have known that piece of scripture forever. I teach it to my kids, and I thought I was doing my best to live it, but I wasn’t applying that same idea when it came to my marriage.

By turning the focus in my own direction for a change I become thankful for a man who puts up with my failures. I’m thankful for a man who loves me despite my faults. And I’ve discovered a man who is human like me.

He’s still the same guy he always was, but my expectations and dreams were clouding my view. Yay—I’m finally getting it!

Thanks for your words of encouragement, and like I said, I’m loving your blog.

Your Sister in Christ,

Krista



That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we lower the bar when it comes to our level of standard. But rather that before we start in on the bad habits or failures we see in our spouse, we view our own life against a standard of perfection to see where we lack.

Changing ourselves is such a difficult task, changing others is an impossible one.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

The Little Chapel on Morrow

I’ll always remember that day. We stood at the front of the church, my sister and I—she in a teal colored sweater, and me wearing the same version in pink. Together we sang, “Jesus Loves Me This I know…” I sang the melody, while Bonnie chimed in with harmony. She always could sing better harmony than I; however that’s considering I couldn’t sing harmony at all. Neither one of us were amazing singers by any stretch of the imagination, but that morning we sang like we were--spreading the love of God, from radiant voices of praise.

It was a crisp February morning, the 14th to be exact. The congregation of maybe 45 people at most, were gathered together in the wee chapel on Morrow Avenue. Mr. Dorsette sat hunched over the keys of the organ that towered above him, while Mrs. Hensley shuffled through her purse in search of her specs. A Kleenex that fell to her lap was carefully tucked into the cuff of her sleeve. Our parents sat stage left, near the front, beaming with pride, since singing to a congregation of 45 was about the closest thing to success our family knew.

Members of the congregation leaned in, squinting, smiling, and glaring at the girl with the blond hair. I was new to the church, but one look revealed that I belonged with the red-headed girl--sisters that looked, sang, and dressed so much alike. We wore beige nylons beneath denim skirts, and flat pumps that added nothing to our short stature.

Sitting in the back row sat a group of young men. The leader of their pack, Michael Schacht, combed fingers through his hair with one hand while the other lay resting on the back of the pew. Listening more intently than he had for the past 20 years in attendance, his eyes remained steady on the girl with the golden hair.

“We need to get them in our band,” he whispered to the guys. And together they nodded wondering which one would get our phone numbers first.

Two weeks later, I answered a call from my sister Bonnie. “Hey, I forgot to tell you,” she said. “Remember when we sang at my church on Valentine’s Day?”

How could I forget? I was nervous beyond belief, wondering if the congregation had gathered a collection to have me taken out for stepping on stage that morning. It’s unnerving to look into the eyes of people whose relaxed demeanor shouts, “You’ll be burned at the stake if you miss that high note.” And I’m sure I missed several.

“Well,” she continued. “There’s a guy in our church who has a band, and he really wants us to sing in it.”

My first thought was What’s wrong with this band? Why would they ask US to sing with them? Weren’t we the girls who stood there only two weeks earlier sporting nail polished nylons (fyi it stops runs) and belting out kindergarten tunes? My second thought was BOYS. In fact my third, fourth, fifth, and sixth thoughts were Boys, Boys, Boys, Boys. So that afternoon in 1986, I joined the Crossroads band.

I hadn’t planned to join a band that morning, 24 years ago, nor did I plan to find my husband in the back row of a little chapel on Morrow Avenue. But God’s plan that Valentine's day was exceedingly abundant above anything I could have dreamed of or prayed for my life. He knew my desires, as he knew Michael’s heart, and so in that moment divinely orchestrated by the Father of love, our journey began.

24 years later, Michael is still the leader of the pack, but that pack has changed some with four children, two birds, three hamsters, and a little blond wife. The pink sweater and nylons are gone, the chapel is empty, and praise God--our house is full.

Today we are celebrating 22 years of marriage. Yes, we still miss the high notes now and then, but a happy marriage of 22 years is about the closest thing to success our family knows.

Happy Anniversary, Michael. I love you with all of my heart.

Radiant Love

Faith has the power to produce a love so radiant that it shines light on even the darkest of days. Radiant love is more than a choice, it’s more than a feeling, and it’s far more than emotion. It resides in the core of your being and extends to reach past the five senses. It’s enduring and respectful--glorious without limit; it’s powerful and passionate, invigorating yet challenging, painless and painful--it’s human. Yet with all of its imperfections, it’s perfect in every way.
Radiant love isn’t something you long for—it’s something we all can experience when we reshape our role as a wife. The moment we begin to accept, appreciate and understand our husbands, we begin to find that same admiration and respect mirrored back.

Is it self-seeking to want a loving and devoted husband who thinks you’re the greatest thing since the iPhone? Definitely not. While other men may complain about their wives, it gives a man a sense of pride to know his wife is different. She’s unique--she understands him when no one else does; she looks up to him as her protector and the one who provides; her admirable character is one he can trust.

When children see their parents are truly in love, they gain a sense of security and well being. The atmosphere of the home changes, because order is now how it should be. When you’re a radiant bride that your husband is proud to call his, you are a jewel in his crown.

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her – Proverbs 31:28

Photo credit: Michael Schacht