An Exhortation to Young Wives

Dear Darlene,

I read your article about the woman who’s husband would set up his saw in their bedroom and how his wife would look past his faults.

I wish I had been that woman. I went into marriage with the story book idea of living happily ever after. When my ‘knight in shining armor’ turned out to be just a local peasant, I turned bitter. I was constantly on his case trying to change him into the person I wanted him to be. Every little thing he did that displeased me became blown out of proportion and I made sure to point his faults out constantly.

I went through years of hell wishing I had never married him and wishing he were someone else. I never really took a good long look at myself or saw what a nag I had become. I got angry when others would say how ‘hen pecked’ my husband had become, and I would think that they didn’t really know this man like I did.

When Jesus came into my life I began to see my faults and began to change a lot of my actions. I finally learned to live in contentment and be thankful for the great man I had. I couldn’t believe how he stood by me all those years.

Suddenly my husband passed away after 35 years of marriage, and now I am alone.

I am writing this in the hopes that some of the younger women will change their minds and attitudes before it's too late. For every fault you see in your husband you will find as many, or more, in yourself. Learn to be content with what you have and build on that foundation.

The funny thing is that those little things he used to do--the things that would annoy me so much--are the things that I miss the most now. I miss him leaving his clothes lying around. I miss him taking so much time in the bathroom. I miss having to clean up after him. But most of all--I miss him.

I wish I could have started out my marriage with God in control, because I wouldn’t have so many regrets today.

We don’t realize what we have till it is taken from us.

Sincerely,

The Aged

The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. ~ Titus 2:3-5, KJV

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Has the New Baby Flipped Your House Upside-Down?

Dear Darlene, 

I have been reading your blog for almost two years now, and it really helped get my household and my relationship in order.

My husband and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary this month. Last June we welcomed our first baby (a beautiful honeymoon baby)... and that is when things went crazy.

My house is a mess again, my husband is working long hours so I can stay home (which we discussed way before we got married, so that part I understand)... there is just no time to get chores done.

It is frustrating because i had everything in order and perfect and I felt like i was doing my job, but now... ugh. I feel like I am failing at part of my responsibility. Not only does my husband not get the attention he used to, sometimes dinner isnt ready and the house is a wreck!

This little bundle of pink likes lots of attention all of the time. Put her down to start a load of laundry and the crying starts. I've tried wearing a carrier/sling but some things just cannot be done with her on me.

An experienced mother's advice would certainly help!

Thanks for your time,

New Mommy

Dear New Mommy, 

Congratulations on your baby and the upcoming anniversary. What an exciting year!

Do you realize just how much has changed for you in the past 12 months? You went from being a single woman to being a wife and a mommy! A little person came out of you. *wink*

Not only are you a mom, you are mom to a newborn baby who demands so much of your time... Okay, I'm pretty much repeating everything you just said, aren't I? LOL

Let's take a look at these verses from Ecclesiastes 3 (NIV):

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Here's a line that really stands out to me when it comes to the topic of newborns: a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. What that says to me is that newborns need your full attention and while they do you can’t expect to have the house the way that you always dreamed it would be or the way that you used to have it.

My guess is that during your pregnancy you had a nesting stage. Most of us do. That’s the time in our lives when we go crazy decorating and cleaning the house. We are excited that everything is pretty and everything is in its place. Suddenly your arms have taken on a 24 hour job of their own and you’re looking around the house wondering when and how you’re ever going to have a clean house again. 

It can feel like the house has been flipped upside-down at times, but take heart because there's a second part to that verse that I quoted which says, “a time to refrain from embracing.” That’s the stage when your kids start growing and you get busy taking them for walks, finger painting, going to the library, making cookies, etc. If Dad comes home and the house is a mess every day you might ask yourself,  “Am I balancing things as well as I should be?” I'm not saying that all moms with growing kids have immaculate homes--what I am saying here is that we must always evaluate our lives to ensure that we are in balance.

Being a good keeper of your home includes keeping your children healthy, happy, and free from harm. Good wives learn to prioritize well and at this stage in your life a baby is your primary concern and more than a full-time job.

What I’d like to suggest to you is that you talk to your husband about your concerns. I think it might take a load off of your mind if he understands that your desire to keep the house clean isn’t in balance with your schedule or perhaps your energy level--at this time. Talking things out might help to ease your mind and perhaps you can pray about it and work out a solution together.

I’d like to add this. I remember that the cleanest my house has ever been was during those months when my children were crawling. Those were the immaculate seasons of my life because little hands were on the floor 24/7. Not only that, baby was off of my lap and I was hands free. You have to keep things off of the floor or they’ll eat it. Haha!

All this to say that you are walking through a season of your life that will change as quickly as it arrived. Do what you can and let go of that which you can’t. Embrace your baby and enjoy every minute you have.

In closing I'd like to offer you a link to a post I wrote a while ago called, "Organized Chaos." I hope it encourages you! 

You are loved by an almighty God,

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How Do I Move Beyond This?

Before I get into today's post I wanted to point out that I've decided to open the blog to comments. I haven't really done that here before, but I've been thinking about it for a few weeks and I wonder if it might be a great way for me to connect with you. After all, this blog isn't about me--it's about our relationship with Jesus Christ and with one another. 

With that said, I'd like to try it out for a few weeks to see how it goes, and if I'm not biting off more than I can chew than I'll keep it as a permanent fixture. Sound good? 

You'll find a link at the bottom of the post where you can leave a comment--I hope you do!

Dear Darlene,

I just finished your video about biblical submission.  Excellent!  I knew all of it but we can always use a good reminder every now and then.  I have learned some hard lessons in submission in the past.  I have been determined not to repeat my mistakes in that area again.

This time around though, it's like I am submitting but only because I know it is what God has called me to and what pleases Him.  I am angry though.  Not really at the decision my husband made, but in the how of it all.  He disrespected me, I feel, in the way he acted on his decision. I specifically asked that he not include me in his action since it was not my decision.  Am I wrong in this since we are "one?"

I guess that is my question.  If I have no real "right" to be angry then I need to adjust my perspective immediately to move beyond this. I know I need to move beyond it regardless.  But I am really struggling with these feelings right now. 

And I know that with some time and taking it before the Lord and asking Him to guide me through it, I will come through it. I know healing and moving past hurt does not happen overnight, but it feels like my husband is expecting me to just "bounce back" into the everything is great and "normal" in our marriage phase. I should add that we have not been through a struggle this deep in some time.

Thank you for your time and for your ministry. 

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Thank you so much for your letter and for sharing your heart with me. You talked about whether or not you had a "right" to be angry. Here's the thing...  God knows that we'll definitely get angry from time to time. The Bible says, be angry and sin not. Here's a great piece of scripture in its entirety:

When you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. ~ Ephesians 4:21-27, NIV

When I look at that scripture I see that while God understands that we will get angry, we are to guard our thoughts in the process so that the devil doesn't get a foot hold. Satan loves to get his foot into the door of our marriage anytime we leave it open a crack!

You said, "This time around though, it's like I am submitting but only because I know it is what God has called me to and what pleases Him." I can't help but be reminded of our Savior's walk to the cross. Remember in the garden just hours before His death He prayed asking that this cup (the suffering) be removed from Him, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42, NIV) 

And so we see that He lived to please God. He wasn't living to please himself or mankind. The reason that He was submitting to the plan of salvation was because of His obedience to the Father. The reason that we submit to our husbands is to reflect the covenant between Christ and His Church. 

I think that the core of your question was "how do I move beyond this?" I see a few things in here that can guide us through these frustrating times (and remember that we ALL get frustrated). We must be careful to guard our hearts and our minds from the temptation to sin in our anger. Notice the part that says, "speak truthfully to your neighbor." Communication is so important in a marriage, and the best way to keep the lines of communication open is to approach our husbands with humility and grace. 

Was he wrong? He might very well have been. I don't know the entire situation and even if I did I wouldn't have the wisdom to judge his actions. But I do know this - we can't accept another person's imperfections until we have mastered the lesson of understanding our own. Until we see what God's grace and forgiveness has done for us.

A good rule of thumb for keeping our thoughts in line is to line ourselves up with Paul's lesson on love in Corinthians:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, NIV

And finally let's not forget the power of prayer. We don't have the ability to change another person; in fact people have enough trouble trying to change their selves. But the truth is that God is able to do abundantly more than you ask or think. We don't have to understand how or why things happen the way that they do. Our job is to leave our burden in His capable hands and do our best to walk in truth.

From reading your letter, I’m certain that you already know all of this and are practicing it, but I pray that by sharing scripture with you I might be here to help and encourage you along the way.

You are loved by an almighty God,



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P.S. I'm over at Blessed Beyond Measure today chatting about marriage and hair-dos. Fun stuff! I hope you pop in there for a visit!

Desperately Wanting to Submit But Can't

Dear Darlene,

I might be one of your strangest readers LOL... I don't necessarily have much of a religious background, but I FULLY believe in your views on marriage and our role as wives. The problem is... even though I believe in it... my marriage is far from it.


My husband is a great man, loving, honest, hard working and kind... all of which are the reasons I married him. However... he isn't the most knowledgeable in a lot of areas such as finances, business, or even handyman skills... so I end up taking on the role of all of these. I of course have the time to do so because he has blessed me with the opportunity to stay home with our toddler... but because I am in charge of these things I feel as though our roles as husband and wife have been dramatically reversed and I hate it.

I've read your blog posts about submission and I understand it and believe in it but in our case if I submitted to my husband and let him make decisions regarding our finances, business having to do with our lives, etc... our lives would fall apart. You see... when I was six years old my father died suddenly in a tragic accident. I had three other siblings and my mother who was a stay-at-home mom went straight to working 50+ hours a week to take care of us and never remarried. From a very young age I was helping her pay our bills (not by working but by physically writing out checks for her and delivering them to where they needed to go), I heard and watched her make decisions for us and our lives, and she taught me EVERYTHING I know about life both from her positive and negative experiences.

My husband on the other hand doesn't have day to day decision making skills. I always have to correct him and recently I'm beginning to resent him for this... I feel as though instead of having a husband that I can submit to, I have yet another child whose mistakes I have to correct or prevent. The times that it really gets to me is when there is something I DON'T know about and neither does he... then we're left not being able to make a smart decision about something important and my resentment builds towards my husband because he doesn't know how to do those things (i.e., our taxes, buy a car, etc)... things I believe a man needs to know.

Over time my reactions and responses towards my husband have beaten him down... Of course this was not my intention and I ache for my husband to take charge and be in control of our lives instead of me. I just don't know where to go from here or how to recreate our roles as husband and wife as they should be. I know it is my fault and I know I've weakened my husband and I am ashamed of that... but I am ready to correct it but I just don't know how to do it and have it be good for both of us. Like I said... I could just start letting my husband do everything but if I did we'd be in a lot of trouble.

Any advice you have to offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Desperately Wanting to Submit

________________________________

Dear Desperately Wanting to Submit,

I think that the topic of submission is often confused with the traditional ideas we hold of both men and women. We tend to see women in the kitchen and men working out in the garage. We see men planting a field while the woman is at home doing laundry. This is a beautiful picture when it works well for a husband and wife, but in many cases they see a benefit in changing things up. I know of several incredible women who are submissive to their husbands and yet the husband is the cook in the family. He loves cooking, the wife is freed up to do other chores, and the family is well fed. It works for them.

I look at the Proverbs 31 woman. We're told that, "She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard." That's incredible! This woman is out planting a field--not a small backyard garden with a few cucumbers to pickle--she planted a vineyard! If you look at the verse closely, you'll also see that she "considered" the field, which tells me that she was probably gifted in the same area of business and planning as you are.

I've also seen women caring for sick husbands that they've literally had to carry to bed. That doesn't coincide with our traditional ideas of men and women, instead what we see here is pure love in action.

Submitting is the act of yielding your power for the good of another. It has little to do with who is paying the bills and who is cooking the soup. The question is are you going against his will to have your own way?

If he is comfortable with you paying the bills and you're doing an awesome job, then why change it?

My only concern is that you are afraid to let your husband make decisions because you're concerned that it might end in disaster. The truth is that it might, but if you're aching for him to take charge and be in control of your lives it's a risk that you'll have to take more than once.

A lot of men (and of course women) don't have the skills necessary to make good financial decisions. Neither my husband or I did when we first got married, but we learned from our mistakes which prepared us for future decisions.

If you shield him time and again, he won't grow. We learn from our mistakes; and we only learn to handle responsibility when it's given to us. If you rob him of that you're taking away an opportunity for him to grow into the leader you want him to be. Be ready and willing to give him support, but respect him enough to allow him to choose.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

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16 Creative Ways to Earn Money at Home

Dear Darlene,

I want to ask you a question and I hope you can offer some advice/counsel. I've been enjoying your website, and appreciate your love for being a stay-at-home mom in these days when many women are going to work to simply "escape" being at home.


I was a stay-at-home mom until October when I took a full-time job to help pay for the Christian school tuition of our youngest 3 children. I did try homeschooling, but for many reasons it wasn't a good fit for our family. Our children have a FANTASTIC Christian school, which is 30 minutes from our home, and also 30 minutes from the office where I now work. I LOVED BEING AT HOME, but admittedly wasn't the greatest homemaker (and I'm still not) but trying. I LONG to be back at home, and especially fear for this summer when my boy/girl twins (will be 13 in May) will be home for several weeks by themselves. I do not want this, and neither does my husband, but with our oldest son in college and the next one going in two years, plus Christian school tuition, it's very difficult. My husband has been doing the food shopping for us as he has a GIFT for matching coupons with store ads and saving 20% - 40% every shopping trip. We also have a great amount of stocked-up items so we don't run out to the store unnecessarily.

My question is, can you offer advice on ways I could earn money at home so I can still be involved in the kids' school, their sports, volunteering (local hospital and at church), visiting our aging parents, etc? I cannot tell you how my heart aches to be back home and I want to give homemaking another try! I think I can do a better job now, and appreciate so much more what I USED to have! I just don't want to get involved in the "work-at-home scams" out there. I have secretarial skills, and I'm currently an Administrative Assistant (before our kids were born, I was an Executive Secretary). My husband said if I could figure out a way to bring in $10,000 a year, I could quit my job. I've been praying about this for months. However, if my working allows the kids to have THEIR need for their school met, then I will do it.

I hope you can offer some advice for this grieving Mom/Wife. I miss my kids, I literally HATE being gone from the house 11 hours a day, and I want to be able to meet the needs of EVERYONE in the family, including my husband, and not be semi-comatose by 7pm every night.

Thank you so much for any loving help you can give!

Sincerely,

Love Being at Home

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." ~ James 1:5

Dear Love Being at Home,

You've come to the right person, because I have found several creative ways to earn money from home over the past 17 years. If I wanted to, I could definitely make a good wage from home, but since I started online ministry I stepped back from a few things so I could write.

I'll offer you a list of things that you could do, however, some of these things might take a little studying on your part. If you want to work from home, you'll have train yourself as you would any other job so that you are qualified to do so.

I have studied several books on each of these subjects: Photoshop, page layout, web design, grammar and punctuation, and bookkeeping. Each one of them were for the purpose of developing my skills and preparing myself for work at home jobs. In our world of modern technology there are endless opportunities at your fingertips. Preparing for any one of these jobs would require minimal training. However, while you are building your clientele, you may have to supplement your income by combining a few of these jobs.

Before you decide on anything, I urge you to take it to prayer. If you lay your desire at His feet God will equip you in ways you could never imagine and He will lead you each step of the way. For example, I struggled through school with dyslexia and ADHD, failed grade 12 English and didn't finish reading a book until I was about 30-years-old. I would have never dreamed in a million years that I'd be a writer, but God had other plans and to my surprise I'm not just a writer, I'm a New York Times best-selling author. He is the potter, just be the clay.

With that said, here are some of the jobs that will either keep you busy at home or make your life flexible enough to work around your kid's schedules:

1. Blog Design - I used to own a little web design company, and there wasn't a day that went by when I wasn't approached for work. I'd charge $90.00/job and could easily get one done in an eight hour day. Designing blogs is fairly easy, entire websites take more experience, but the pay is better.
2. Blogging - If you build a blog, over time you can collect advertising revenue, but it takes time to grow and time to keep up. 
3. Proof Reading - There are so many self publishing authors out there today looking for proof readers. 
4. Typing - Again this is an asset for self-published authors. There are still A LOT of people who have their books handwritten or want to transcribe their journals.
5. Baby Sitting - Not my favorite--shhhh... don't tell anyone! 
6. Pet Sitting - One could either pet sit full time days or go to a persons house around lunch time to let the dog out and feed it. Take in a few pets and you have increase your income.
7. Shopping for the Elderly - There are a lot of seniors today who need someone to look in on them and pick up groceries. 
8. Digital Elements - If you are at all creative, learn Photoshop and sell digital scrapbooking kits online. 
9. Book Cover Design - I did this for about five years before giving it up to write full time. I studied page layout, Photoshop and Adobe InDesign prior to stepping into it. There are a lot of authors that are looking for eBook cover designs. *This would also require some artistic ability. 
10. Real Estate Assistant - I worked in Real Estate offices for about five years before staying at home with my kids. During that time I noticed that many of the top agents hire assistants. I think that this one would be perfect for you because of your background. The top agents need help with every area of running a small business from bookkeeping to typing brochures. Re/Max is a good place to find top agents. Maybe drop off a few resumes?
11. Book Keeping for Small Companies - A few years ago I met a woman who was going into this business on her own. About a year later, my husband hired her to do his books. The pay is good and small companies normally can't afford a full-time book keeper. Offering to work 16 hours/month for each company is an asset for both of you. Take on a few and you have a nice part-time job.
12. Income Tax Preparation - With the right program and a short course on the subject, you could be very busy during income tax season. 
13. Page Layout - Advertise yourself to do page layout including resumes, book interior, pamphlets, etc. This would also require some study. 
14. Housekeeping/Home Organization - This isn't a work-at-home job, but I know that it allows you to have a flexible schedule, pays fairly well and you can supplement part-time income by working one day/week or two half days. Aside from cleaning, home organization is something that few people offer, and I know that a lot of working women would appreciate having someone come in and do it for them. 
15. Short Videos - I haven't seriously tried this, but if I had a lot of time on my hands I would. Learn to create videos for small businesses, authors (book trailers), and bloggers. 
16. Computer Apps - Learn how to make computer apps and start selling them. They are in high demand right now and few people know how to make them. Again these are an asset to small businesses, authors, and bloggers. 

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

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How Can I Forgive Myself?

Dear Darlene,

I need some advice. One day I got a message from a guy I had met a few months before. I knew his wife through family and she had mentioned several times that they were filing for divorce because they couldn't stand each other anymore, so I felt justified in being his friend. If I had been any friend at all I would have been pushing him back toward his wife, telling him to fight for his marriage, and cutting contact, but I didn't. I couldn't, because I NEEDED him in a way I had never needed anyone. I needed him to validate me. I needed someone, ANYONE to want me.


Within a couple of months we were much more than best friends and I knew it. We were towing a very blurry line and it didn't take much to push us over to the wrong side. In 2009, at 19-years-old, I broke the one vow I had kept to God and to myself. I slept with a man who was not my husband, and worse than that, a man who was someone else's husband. I have never felt so much hatred toward myself than I did after that. Eventually she found out about the affair and he moved in with me. She had been considering marriage counseling, which of course I didn't know, and she was heartbroken over the betrayal she felt. She and I talked about everything because I felt I at least owed her that. I apologized profusely but I knew she wouldn't be able to forgive me just as I knew I'd never forgive myself. She still hates me, and I want her to. I can't defend a single decision I made because I KNEW it was wrong.

This past October I married that man. I wish I could say there is a happy ending because I hate a sad love story as much as the next person, but I can't. I can say that no matter how we found each other, I love him more than life itself. He is my best friend, my confidant, and a far better man today than he was the day we broke his vows. I just can't get past it. I can't let go. I feel like my decisions ruined the life of a woman who didn't deserve it and at the same time, broke me.

I hate that I disappointed God. I don't know how I let myself get that low. I know that I can never truly move forward, I will never truly be happy, until I can forgive myself but I can't because I know I don't deserve to be forgiven.

I have been finding my way back to God. I know that he never left me, I left him and I know that He has forgiven me because I have begged him for forgiveness. God's love is enfolding me. My life is changed but I am still miserable. I truly don't know what to do. How can I forgive myself for what I did? How can I forgive my husband for what he helped me do? I have said I forgive him, and I have even felt like I do, but there are always those moments when I fear that he will leave me the way he left her, and I hate myself for that but I feel like I hate him for that too. I know how awful this all sounds and I pray that you can find it in your heart not to judge me because of it, even as I judge myself.

Sincerely,

Conflicted & Unforgiven

Dear Conflicted & Unforgiven,

Thank you for your letter. I pray that my words may help in your healing process as you bring this burden to the feet of our Lord.

One line in your letter really stood out to me. It is this: "She still hates me, and I want her to. I can't defend a single decision I made because I KNEW it was wrong."

You are right and you are wrong. Here's why--what you did was very sinful and there is nothing you can say to defend that, we all know this, BUT grace and forgiveness is for sinners. If we only gave grace and forgiveness to the good people in our lives, what benefit would that be to anyone?

I know your pain. I went against everything that I believe and sinned against God and my husband. I felt sick about it, I felt useless and I felt dirty.

What I was feeling was the weight of my sin, but sin doesn't define who we are--God's grace does!

Without sin we have no need for grace. Do you know what I'm saying? Unless we can see the stain of our sin against the perfection of His immaculate grace we will never understand what a gift that grace truly is.

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God. ~ Ephesians 2:8, KJV

Look at the Bible and you'll see that God used people who were broken, sinful, and tarnished to build his kingdom.

And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. ~ Matthew 16:18

Peter is the same man who later denied Jesus Christ hours before his death. Imagine that. Jesus vowed to build his church upon the faith of this believer and this very same man did the unthinkable by denying his Lord, and his friend as He was being led to His His crucifixion.

My servant Peter was not changed in a flash from a simple fisherman to a great leader and teacher, but through the very time of faithlessness -- through the very time of denial -- I was yet making him all that he should be. Impetuous spokesman as he always was, ready to lead the other disciples, Peter could never have been the after power he was, had he not learned his weakness. No man can save, unless he understands the sinner. (God Calling April 4th)

And finally, I'm reminded of something that my dad told me months before he died. They are simple yet powerful words, "God doesn't care about what you did yesterday. He's concerned about what you'll do today."

It sounds to me like God has offered you grace and a new beginning. You're standing at a crossroad in your life where you can either hang on to the pain of your past or move forward walking in grace.

If you'd like to read more about my experience, you can find it here: Grace is for Sinners.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene Schacht



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How to Find Your Purpose in Life

Dear Darlene,

I used to be a super busy woman, Bible study teacher, involved in many ministries, our daughter was busy too, piano, harp, musical theater, ballet... You get the idea a super (overly busy family). My husband works, but none of us were connected. Our daughter became ill, which brought me into deep depression, then her health tanked just as I was recovering (God's Provision). She increasingly got worse through grade 3 and by the summer she was in hospital more than not. We were transferred to a Children's Hospital in another state. She and I lived in hospital almost the entire fall there, my husband visited as his job allowed. She basically was unable to attend school at all through 4th grade.


I tell you all this as I am under the care of an excellent Christian counselor. Admittedly, for the past year, I have simply endured my life or lack thereof. I know longer am able to participate in really any activities outside of our home. I'm not reliable I cancel things all the time, because if my daughter gets sick it is my responsibility.

I have failed to grasp the life God has given me, I wanted something more, something bigger more significant. I am an attorney by trade, however I don't work. I have been challenged in my thought that God must not think much of me to leave me here.

We only have one child. I have had to confess I think I am better than this life. I'm ashamed and yet, I still am grasping that by doing for my family I am connecting to them, contributing to the family, and it feels good. I do have purpose.

Clearly, I'm only able to articulate only a piece, but all that to explain, I stumbled on your blog & I'm trying to learn. I saw somewhere you said to put some of the schedules into a binder? Do you have a layout for how to get started on truly being an engaged Wife & Mom? I have downloaded The Good Wife's Guide eBook, though haven't started it yet. I printed out the housekeeping schedule, but when I tried to get the schedules on how to clean a bedroom & bathroom, I couldn't find them.

I'm am trying to learn how to not get overwhelmed by the cleaning. I do laundry, however, meals are my biggest weakness. Our daughter isn't able to eat, though we are working to be able to give her a few foods, but it is severely limited. My husband can & enjoys cooking, so I have deferred to him, but I really don't grocery shop either. I just don't know what to get & with only 2 people eating I find figuring out portions hard.

Please advise or direct me to any resources that would help me to get a better handle on this. I know the journey we are on is a long one, and I know God as me here for a reason. I also hope you aren't offended by my clearly misguided views. God is gently working with me. Thank you in advance for anything you may be able to offer to help me.

Enduring Life

Dear Enduring Life,

Thank you for your letter, and your transparent heart. I'm glad to hear that you have a copy of my book because I suspect that it will be a big encouragement to you. The cleaning schedules that you are looking for (the ones you mentioned) are in the eBook and so I took them off of my website. I'll be putting up different types of schedules in the future, and Kim Brenneman often shares those types of posts too.

The big thing that I think you will glean from the book is that so many women struggle to keep it all together, while many of us suffer with "June Cleaver Syndrome." We think that everyone else does it so much better than we do. There are seasons in everyone's life, and this season of your life sounds like a struggle as you are taking care of a sick daughter, and the stress of it all. 

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1, KJV

I had to take care of my dad last fall. He died of lung cancer and his brain was full of tumors. I slept in the same room with him helpless as he desperately struggled to breathe. Needless to say my housework suffered while I was dealing with this season of my life, and my kids enjoyed pizza more than they should have.

Bottom line is this, all you have to handle is what God has given you at this very moment. And if that moment is filled with you standing by your daughter's side encouraging her along, then you are fulfilling your God-given role of a mom. Purpose isn't found on a sparkling countertop, or beneath the cushion of a well-vacuumed couch. And in your case--nor would it be defined in a law office away from the home--it's defined in those moments when we give of ourselves for the glory of God. That looks different for everyone.

Here's what a friend of mine told me the other day. Her daughter had just thrown up for the umpteenth time, and so she started a bath for her, just as the dog started to whine. Running to the kitchen she stepped in dog poop--seriously--but that's not all. She put the dog outside, and as she was hustling back to the bathroom she slipped in dog pee and landed flat on her back. Anyone walking into her house could have taken one look at the mess and judged her accordingly. But the sad thing is that WE are often the ones who are busy judging ourselves.

God sees into your heart to where the sacrifices are made, and while He does He's not looking to find perfection. I'll tell you why...

When Jesus died on the cross, He said, "It is finished." The law that condemned us was complete and fulfilled through His sacrificial death. We are made perfect through Him. And so we will fall and we’ll fail, because we struggle against the flesh, but there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus who walk after the Spirit.

So, I ask you to first and foremost forgive yourself for your shortcomings. Don’t give up on your desire to please God and your family, but do it in peace without expectation.

You said, “I have failed to grasp the life God has given me, I wanted something more, something bigger more significant.”

I’d like to ask you to start grasping that right where you are today. Ask yourself this question. What has God given me to handle today? Then take that one step and see where He leads you. That where you'll find your purpose.

One of my favorite pieces of advice was given to me by my dad last year when I spoke frankly with him about my shortcomings. And let me assure you—they were SHORT!

Dad said this, “God doesn’t care what you did yesterday, He wants to know what you’ll do today.”


I’m praying with you as you grasp the life God is giving you now.

And finally you asked for a resource, in particular the area of cooking. I have a good one for you! Check out Comfy in the Kitchen. Janelle is an amazing cook who is truly gifted from God. Unlike you and I she thrives in the kitchen. Her motto is “Step-By-Step You’ll Get it Yet.” Her tutorials are so easy to follow and she makes delicious recipes! I love this chick, and I think you will too!

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

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Are You Strong Enough to Be My Friend?

Dear Darlene,

I am not good at this but I am going to try anyways – I am lost, confused, scared and FULL of bitterness and resentment.  I am afraid that I will lose my husband over all of this. 

I cannot keep my life on track, I fall back into my old ways of being lazy and selfish and out of control.  I want a better life for myself and my husband, unfortunately I have no idea where to start or what to do.  I am   a blueprint type person, where I need specific instructions on how to do something.  I like structure and schedules... but life is not necessarily like that.  I have been searching for so long to figure out what is missing in my life, however I think I have come to the conclusion that I am missing God and I am living a life I want and have no regard for making my life one based upon God. 

I need to know how to start living a life that is God-based, not self-based. I would like for someone to help guide me as to where I need to start and what I need to do. I believe in God, but I do not think before I act or before I speak.  I have become “rotten” to the ones I love and I fear I have become the worst version of myself.  

Do I need to read the Bible every day?  Do I need to attend church?  How do I stop myself from being upset?  How do I become a good Christian? 

Any advice you can provide me with would be so very much appreciated.  I need to get my life right with God and I need to know the detailed steps to take on a daily, almost minutely basis. 

Thank you,

Lost and Confused

Dear Lost and Confused,

Think of yourself like a fire. What do you need to get it burning? You have the spark and that is incredible, I love that. But yes I'd say that in order for us to know and understand God's will for our lives the Bible is a vital part of growing. It's the fuel that keeps the flame alive. Sermons, books, and blogs are wonderful to help you along but I look at all of those things as being spoon fed. So many people go off track because they are fed the wrong message. So while you can enjoy those things and grow from them, see your relationship with God as precious enough to read the Bible and bring it to prayer so that you can ensure the teaching is right.

When I was researching health and diet for Reshaping it All I discovered the power that the subconscious mind has when it comes to mirroring the behavior of others. For example if your friend orders dessert, you're likely to order it too. If your friend pushes her plate away and says, "I'm stuffed." You are more likely to do the same than not.

That's not a serious issue when it comes to things like an extra brownie or a chicken finger, but when it comes to the more serious matters of faith and family, we need people around us who are strong enough to sharpen us and encourage us to grow even in those moments when we don't notice that they are doing so.

You know what I did? I was going to a good church out here--still do--but at the time I didn't feel like I was fitting in so well. I wasn't making any connections with women that I could call up to just go for a coffee or get my nails done. (Some of us women need that! *wink*) So I took a brave step and sought out a friend. I called a pastor's wife from another church that I felt a connection with and asked her to go for lunch. And being the open kind of person that I am I told her I need someone in my life who will sharpen me. I don't need her to be my BFF (although she probably is by now) I just need someone who I can fellowship with over a bowl of soup or a tear stained Kleenex. I need a woman who is strong enough to be my friend. Sounds like the title of a song—ha!

Another way I used to get connected was through a ladies morning out group. My son was about two at the time and the other women had young children too. It was through a good church and we did weekly Bible studies. I developed relationships with those women and they were there to encourage me as a mom, a wife, and a growing Christian.

If I lived in the US, the first place I'd try is Calvary Chapel because I know so many awesome women who attend, and it seems to have a solid doctrine. We don't have Calvary Chapel up here because I'm in Canada and only a few provinces have them. If that doesn't work, feel free to write me again with your location and I'll try to help you find a good church in your area. If you have children or plan on having children getting them connected with other believers that they grow with is such a gift that I've seen in some kids who are now twenty and thirty-years-old. They are so comfortable in the church because they grew up with these people.

And I'm also going to recommend a free online devotional to you. I loved this devotional long before it was free. I'd suggest reading it daily, and then taking the scripture reference that they provide and reading the entire chapter in its context. It's called God Calling.

Or you could start by reading a Psalm a day. But I will tell you where my personal favorite place to start is: Galatians. Here's why: that book and the ones following it are all short, so when I read them I feel like I've accomplished much! And most of the books following Galatians are also letters of conduct and encouragement written to the church.

Now you said, "I cannot keep my life on track; I fall back into my old ways of being lazy and selfish and out of control." Dear sister, that statement reminds me of the apostle Paul, who said of himself "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." And, wow--I too can relate to that.

Paul also said this, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer myself who do it, but it is sin living in me." ~ Romans 7:15-17, NIV

Paul was talking about his sinful nature that is at war with the flesh. It’s the heart and the passion of man that wants to overeat, oversleep, yell at our children and husband, lie, steal, facebook our ex-boyfriend, and the list goes on. It’s a struggle that we all face in the flesh.

But there’s good news, and it’s found in Romans chapter eight where Paul explains that life in Jesus Christ sets us free from that. It’s not always an automatic thing where you give your life to Jesus and your sinful desires fall away. For most of us it’s the process of renewing our hearts and minds through prayer, the Bible, and fellowship, while we take up our cross and fight against temptation. The more that we follow the Spirit and understand God’s plan for our life the less we desire to follow our lazy, self-centered flesh and the more we desire to live righteously. The first step is to repent of our sin, then we start walking in faith with the help of the Holy Spirit.

One more thing about the fellowship: remember that an ember alone will burn out much quicker than one that is placed close to the fire. Your goal is to keep that fire going strong!

I hope I have encouraged you in your walk.

If you want any more information about steps to peace with God, check out the link in my left sidebar and it will lead you to an article by The Billy Graham Association.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

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Words of Assurance

Dear Darlene,

I am about to turn 33 weeks pregnant and I know I will have to have a c-section. I have had two before plus one myomectomy. I am getting very nervous as I dislike the surgery (every aspect: spinal block, risk of infection, unable to move legs, pain afterwards, feeling helpless and vulnerable, fear).

I put my trust in God when deciding to try once more but I am not biblically well educated enough to have scripture to mediate on for this journey. I hope you can help me as I would like to face this with God's word in my mind.

Sincerely,

Mommy in Waiting

Dear Mommy in Waiting,

As I started to search the scriptures for you I found so many that were comforting. But since I don't have space to put all 66 books of the Bible in one post *wink* I'll give you a few that I felt will minister in your situation and offer you assurance that God is with you through every step of this journey.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~ Jeremiah 29:11

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.

~ Psalm 139:13-18

I love how verse 18 reads, "When I awake, I am still with you." Remember those words, and hold on to them when you go into surgery. He will be there like a good friend who waits at your bedside.

I'd actually recommend reading all of Psalm 139 because there are so many words of comfort found there. Maybe you can take a highlighter and mark some of them to meditate on, or jot some of them down in a notebook.

And finally, I'd like to suggest Psalm 23.

The LORD is my shepherd,I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Praying that this pregnancy and your stay in the hospital will be a blessing until the time of celebration comes!

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

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My Thoughts on The Word and Baptism

The Bible is like a jigsaw puzzle of

a breath-taking image. Looking at one

small part isn't quite the same as

viewing the work of the artist in it's

entirety. Each piece fits nicely into

the next, and the more that you study it,

the more you begin to see

the image come to life.

~ Time-Warp Wife





Dear Darlene,



Would you believe I found your blog and a great many others thanks to the Top 25 Faith Blogs competition run recently? And it has been a strange kind of blessing. Blogs like yours and Courtney's at Women Living Well have been calling me to read the archives every day and sign up to email notifications when a new blog is posted.



Where am I at, today? Our church traditions are lovely, but there are aspects that don't sit well and don't move me, don't inspire me to be closer to God. I almost feel that the baptism certificate is nothing more than a piece of paper signed and blessed by the church, and it's what's in my HEART that actually counts.



So, here I am, a new reader of your blog, and I was wondering if you had some suggestions for me. I am looking for a Bible study. Something I can do on my own, maybe have feedback with others online via forums or something similar.



Where I am, I have never seen a Christian bookshop to date, but am certain they exist, or there is always a way to order something through the Internet and have it shipped. I have my grandmother's Bible, which she gave to me when I turned 16, and though it is a little hard to understand, it's in good condition. I would appreciate any suggestions you might have for me. :)



Oh, the original reason for my email! In June and July, I loved your housekeeping printables. They helped to keep me on track during the day and the past 2 months I really felt like I had more time--always a good thing. One thing I noticed on August's housekeeping printable is that the "daily upkeep" list is no longer included, which I found to be very helpful. I have the tasks written down on my August printable, but was wondering maybe if you'd had much feedback. Would you consider putting them back on for September?



Wow - I didn't intend to write such an essay, but maybe it was time for me to reach out to someone. I love my husband and my children and am looking for a little bit of guidance if you have time to offer it.



Sincerely,



A New Reader







Dear New Reader,



Thank you so much for your letter. I'm blessed to hear that you are a new reader, and love that you were able to find Courtney and I online. God is good!



In regards to your baptism. You said that you almost feel that your baptism certificate is nothing more than a piece of paper signed and blessed by the church. That is correct--the certificate is nothing more than a piece of paper that will wither away in time. However, the demonstration of your faith and your obedience to God is worth so much more. Baptism is symbol of our purification from sin, as we are dead to sin, but alive through faith in Christ Jesus.



Baptism is a gift of obedience to our Lord and a witness to the world around us. The work taking place in your heart is definitely the most vital part of a baptism, but by allowing the church the honor of walking you through it, you are sharing the message with others by declaring the Lord's death and resurrection. That in itself is a beautiful thing!!

Some readers might be thinking, I'm already saved from my sin through repentance and faith in Jesus Christ, so what is the point in being baptized? The answer is simple--obedience to that faith. Jesus was sinless, but because He was obedient to The Father in every way He went down to the river to be baptized by John.

Now let's talk about Bible studies!! I have an annotated study Bible that I have found to be an incredible study in itself. I like to read a few chapters and then study the side notes and flip to the cross references. I started doing that several years ago with The Dake's Annotated Study Bible, and it's been an incredible resource for me.

Another very good study Bible is John MacArthur's. Both of these should be available at Amazon. Study Bibles however can be pricey at times. Sometimes all we have (and all that our forefathers had) is the Bible as it stands alone. But let me tell you this--it might seem difficult to understand all of the "thees" and the "thous" and the customs of the day, but the Word is so incredible that God will use it to speak directly to you. As you keep reading it gets easier and it all makes more sense. The Bible is like a jigsaw puzzle of a breath-taking image. Looking at one small part isn't quite the same as viewing the work of the artist in it's entirety. Each piece fits nicely into the next, and the more that you study it, the more you begin to see the image come to life.



For online study, I'd suggest checking out Good Morning Girls. I've heard that they will be studying 1 John for 12 weeks, this fall and it might be what you are looking for. I also have a couple of Bible studies that you can find in my table of contents that you might want to check out. But with that said, I have to add that nothing beats getting together with women in small Bible study groups at a church nearby if there are any available. I used to be involved in a group called, "Ladies Morning Out," and I have to say that those years were some of the best. We studied the word, drank coffee, and made crafts. It was a ton of fun that not only encouraged me in my faith, but also resulted in long-lasting friendships.

Another thing I would suggest is checking out some of the audio messages at "Grace to You." John Macarthur is a wise and gifted speaker. In fact I have a button to their site in my right hand sidebar. :)

Finally... the printables. Did I do that? When I changed the format of the calendar I didn't realize that I omitted the daily upkeep. I'll definitely put that back for September's print out. Thanks for the heads up!



You are loved by an almighty God,



Darlene



For comments or questions, contact me at:

darlene[at]darleneschacht.net



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Preparing to Be a Good Wife ~ and a Titus 2sday Link Up!

Young women who devote themselves to the Lord

prepare themselves for the future by gaining

wisdom first, then stepping carefully

when the time is right.





Dear Darlene,



I have a question and I think you might be able to help. I am a rising college senior, and over the summer, God has placed a desire in my heart to prepare to become the best Christian wife possible. I've felt this call before, but I've put it aside (as sinners like me often do!).



Though I have never been in a serious relationship, and am content in my singleness at the moment, I find this special burden to be very daunting yet exciting! However, I'm not sure how to prepare since marriage seems so far away from me at the moment. I know this is a tall request, but what do you suggest?

Sincerely,



Preparing to Be the Best Wife





Dear Preparing,



Let's start by taking a look at 1 Corinthians 7:32-35:

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.

What we see from this verse is that once you are married, your interests will include meeting the needs of your husband. And all moms know from experience that once children come into the picture, our interests are even more so divided. There will be days when you barely have time for a shower.

Your aim at the present time should be that of devoting your life to the Lord.



Most young women asking this question are looking for practical advice like coupon clipping, baking pies, budgeting and housekeeping. But the truth is that your focus needs to be on the Lord at this time. Homemaking takes a far second place and there is plenty of time for that later.



You might wonder why I'm taking this angle, and I'll tell you that there's a very good reason for it. Young adults are the ones making the most important decisions of their lives. In fact between the ages of 18-25 a large percentage of men and women have already chosen their career, their spouse, and decided on whether or not they'll have children--if they haven't started a family already.



These decisions can be damaging in the long run if they aren't grounded by faith and wisdom. Many young adults are rushing into things as they follow the desires of their heart without considering God's plan for their lives.



Young women who devote themselves to the Lord prepare themselves for the future by gaining wisdom first, then stepping carefully when the time is right.



Wisdom comes from the word of God, understanding is the application of that wisdom. If you want to be a blessing both to God and to your future husband, get wisdom.

How do we get wisdom? James 1:5 tells us to ask God for it, but there are also other ways to seek it. Colossians 2:3 tells us that all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge are hidden in the mystery of Christ. And how do we learn about Christ? We do so by studying the Bible and allowing the Spirit of God to move in our lives.

Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her. Length of days is in her right hand; and in her left hand riches and honour. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her. ~ Proverbs 3:13-18

Read more "Brides in Training" articles: Click here

You are loved by an almighty God,



Darlene



For comments or questions, contact me at:

darlene[at]darleneschacht.net



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Today and every Tuesday, I want to invite bloggers to link-up any blog posts that will encourage women to joyfully live out their roles as wives and keepers of their homes I'm looking for posts on marriage, parenting, housekeeping, or recipes.

1. Enter the direct link from your post into the linky tool below!

2. Please link back here with the {TITUS 2}SDAYS code (below) so that other bloggers can join in too!

3. Enjoy each other's fellowship, and have fun!

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